Zackary Alexander Flare's Journal
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| Friday, July 28th, 2006 | | 7:16 pm |
I'm falling...
These prison gates won’t open up for me On these hands and knees I’m crawling Oh, I reach for you Well I’m terrified of these four walls These iron bars can’t hold my soul in All I need is you Come please I’m calling And oh I scream for you Hurry I’m falling I'm falling Show me what it’s like To be the last one standing And teach me wrong from right And I’ll show you what I can be And say it for me Say it to me And I’ll leave this life behind me Say it if it’s worth savin' me Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me With these broken wings I’m falling And all I see is you These city walls ain’t got no love for me I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story And oh I scream for you Come please I’m calling And all I need from you Hurry I’m falling I'm falling Show me what it’s like To be the last one standing And teach me wrong from right And I’ll show you what I can be And say it for me Say it to me And I’ll leave this life behind me Say it if it’s worth savin' me Hurry I’m falling Yeah, yeah-hey And all I need is you Come please I’m calling And oh I scream for you Hurry I’m falling I'm falling I'm falling Show me what it’s like To be the last one standing And teach me wrong from right And I’ll show you what I can be And say it for me Say it to me And I’ll leave this life behind me Say it if it’s worth savin' me Hurry I’m falling And say it for me Say it to me And I’ll leave this life behind me Say it if it’s worth savin' me Current Music: Nickelback - Saving me | | Saturday, June 10th, 2006 | | 11:27 am |
| | Tuesday, March 7th, 2006 | | 6:54 pm |
ImpCon 2006
It has been fifteen long years since the fall of our great city and kingdom of Mythicara. Since the cities gates fell, and a kingdom of magic and beauty fell to ashes. All but the common people died in the city either fighting back against the evil forces that encroached upon it or caught in the massive destruction that ensued. Out of those who survived many of our people have fallen due to the lack of protection the city walls used to provide against the violence of the outside world, but now we gather together again. Our scattered bands of refugees have been assaulted by all manner of violent creatures, roving groups of thieves, and any creature (man or beast) that choose to benefit from our weakened state, but we have persevered. Today marks the dawn of a new age. Where we will rebuild our great city, and find a new hope in our new home. Our disbanded tribes gather together under one banner now to succeed in this goal. A trial by fire that will prove once and for all that the will of a just people cannot be destroyed. But will we prevail against the sleeping dragon that destroyed us, or will our dream crumble as it did before? That, only we can decide. ImpCon 2006 Interested in a Live Action Role-Playing convention that has a skill based system? Interested in a world of medieval fantasy and high sorcery that you can actually feel at your fingertips? Interested in meeting like-minded individuals who are just there to have fun? Think ImpCon 2006. Based in Grass Valley, CA. this Role-Playing Convention is built for the players by those who have attended years of the same. Boffer Combat? Got it. Easy to use spell casting? Got it. [and it doesn't make you sound like an idiot! ^.^] High-Fantasy storyteling? Got it. Great environment for players to relax and get into the game? We've got it. Friendly, experienced gamemasters who will help you make exactly who you want to be? Still got it. Everything you could want in a LARP without having to worry about the stuff you really don't. Be a part of a new generation of gamer. A solid, consistent place that will last, won't move around on you, and will always be there to play and meet new friends. Be part of a group of adventurers and townsfolk who are building a newlife and every con, see actually buildings sprout up. Come to our medieval township in the mountains. Come to ImpCon2006. Where is your world? Gathering together on March 17th, $45.00 donation at the door required, $10.00 discount if you come in a group of five or more. Wavers signed at the door when money is taken on Saturday the 18th. Game starts at 7:00 AM and runs until 8:00 PM on Sunday the 19th with a mass In-Character feast on the 19th at 4:00 PM. No other food provided thought there will be snacks and drinks available for purchase on-site. Campsites will be provided though camping gear must be brought. Send any correspondence or questions to Corwin Parker at paladin_4002@yahoo.com, reply to this post, or contact me or my staff at 1-510-857-3328. Current Mood:  anxious | | Tuesday, January 24th, 2006 | | 1:36 pm |
Grr... Arrgh... Grr! *charges*
 Warrior of Light Class: Seraph Alliance: Light You are a fiery and outspoken person. Vivacious and a bit wild, you have the sort of personality that ensures that you never go unnoticed. You always take a a very agressive stand for what is right and will fiercely defend it to the death. As a warrior you take a very active part in the fight itself, often finding yourself in the middle of the fray. You kick ass! Your Angelic Name: Ariel Which Warrior Angel are You and Whose Side are You On? (With Anime Pics) brought to you by Quizilla Current Mood:  Like A CoconutCurrent Music: Manowar - Brothers of Metal | | Monday, January 16th, 2006 | | 4:16 pm |
| | 11:11 am |
My punishment.
So this is my punishment... I see an online questionaire and answer it honestly to a friend and ex-lover of mine. However, the answers which I give could seriously upset a few people so I send it in E-mail hoping to spare some people's feelings. I want everyone to note the fact that this individual is extensively involved and I would not seek to break this up under any circumstances. I will admit, I was honest. Very honest. Would you kiss, yes. Would you this and that, yes. Would you this that and the other, absolutely. It was not an attempt to get with this person or tempt them to me. It was not a plot or ploy to pull someone from their life and into mine. And most certainly, it was not anybody's fucking business but ours. However one individual whose break up with me has apparently turned her towards psychotic tendencies decided that it was her business from here on out to hawk over my E-mail and observe my every movement and action. I didn't change my password because I trusted you It seems that just as in our relationship my trust was ill given. I trusted you not to leave me, I trusted you not to listen to others but your own heart, I trusted you not to be childish, and I trusted you not to invade my privacy. Well guess what, I'm not going to trust you any longer. You're not worth it. I hope that it makes you feel better every day that you wake up to know that you, not me, are the one that broke us up. I just refused to take you back after you ripped out my heart and stomped on it on the new year. I hope that you can sleep well at night knowing that your betrayal of my heart will end you wherever you go. I now don't care where it ends you up. Good or bad you put yourself there. You made your bed Deborah, now lie in it. I hope that when you hear from all those false, fuckhole friends of yours (whose opinions matter more than the man that you claimed for so long falsely to love) about how we had no place to live anymore and scattered to the four winds that your ability to repair some of the damage that you, and only YOU god damnit bitch stop blaming it on everyone else and take control for once in your life, had done, I want you to remember how you did nothing and left us hanging out in the breeze. You're not a knight... you're a pawn. You let people push you around one square at a time until they get you where they want you to go. And goddess knows I tried to teach you how to move backwards and get away from them, but you can't teach a whipped dog new tricks. I am tired of being blamed for your mental and physical state. I am broken down and crying on my own, with all of my friends afraid to lend an ear to me because of how torn up I am, and all you can think of is how much you love me and want me back. Face it, your love was false. I was useful because I was strong. You are now where Julia WAS. Enjoy that. Oh, and by the way, stop badmouthing her. At least she can move past her childish tendencies to help out those she cares for. You can't even do that. So tell yourself today that all of that money that you had to pay and try to make a life made all the difference. Tell yourself that you tried as hard as you could to love and this hard-hearted, cheating bastard betrayed you. Tell yourself that when you ducked out on us and left us in a world of hurt you did it because it needed to be done and you might have made a mistake but don't care enough to fix it. And tell yourself that when you step out from under responsibilities and leave us with all the weight, that while you have the power to pay your dues and move on you don't have to because you're arrogant enough to care only about yourself. My name is Corwin Robert Parker. I am a knight of the modern day. Not because of a title I hold, but because of my striving to get there. My honor is my own, it is not yours to question. My dedication is my strength, and one only loses me by walking away. My independent thought is my fortitude, and I refuse to be swayed by silver tongues. I have let you question my dedication, I have let you question my words, I have let you question my decisions... But I will not let you question my heart, my honor, or my soul. Those are pieces of me that, when you turned your back and walked out on those that called you friend, you lost the right of access to. I hope you smile at night. With your false god and your conniving friends. I hope you smile. Because at night, I cry for you. I cry for your soul. Current Mood:  cold | | 11:10 am |
- Forty percent of the world's almonds and twenty percent of the world's peanuts are used in the manufacture of modernknight.
- The Vikings believed that the Northern lights were caused by modernknight as he rode out to collect warriors slain in battle.
- Grapes explode if you put them inside modernknight.
- Birds do not sleep in modernknight, though they may rest in him from time to time.
- Modernknight can live for up to a week without a head.
- The International Space Station weighs about 500 tons and is the same size as modernknight.
- Modernknight is worth his weight in gold - literally!
- Modernknight can't drink - he absorbs water from his surroundings by osmosis!
- Twenty-eight percent of Microsoft's employees are modernknight.
- When modernknight is swallowed, he will enter the blood stream within twenty minutes.
| | Friday, January 13th, 2006 | | 3:30 pm |
Interesting
Well this is interesting, hey why not. *laughs* In the very least the results will be funny. Don't do it if you don't want to and if you don't do it, don't bitch about it. 1. Your Full Name: Corwin Robert Parker 2. Age: 24 years, 4 months, 21 days, 8 hours, 42 minutes, and five... six... seven... seconds 3. Fave Color: Orange and Purple. Sometimes together because that really screws people up and I like scaring the straights. 4. Fave Movie: Fight Club. Free your mind, and then the world. 5. Fave Song: Pachabell Canon or the Phantom of the Opera Techno Remix. 6. Fave Band: System of a Down and Disturbed. ("Bold motherfucker won't you liberate your mind?") 7. Fave Food: Italian, by far and away, Italian. 8. Most Embarrassing Moment: Getting my arm stuck in a toilet paper dispenser at the doctor's office when I was a teenager while my parents were visiting for my little sister's check-up. 9. Are you a virgin? Umm... no. Unless I'm born again. Which would be so not cool... I like my training. HERE COMES THE FUN ... ... ... 1. Are we friends? I am not friends with myself. I am lovers. LOL! 2. Do you have a crush on me/are you attracted to me? Not really. You're kind of wide around the edges Corwin, but if you lost some weight I might like you. 3. Would you kiss me? If I could.... maybe on the cheek. 4. ...with tongue? Probably not, you have a goatee and I don't like the long hairs tangled with mine. 5. Would you enjoy it? See above answer. 6. Would you ever ask me out or go out with me if I ask you out? Sure, but you're paying. X-D 7. Would you make a move on me in a movie theater? Maybe. It would be dark. If you kissed me it'd be over though. 8. Tell me one odd/intresting fact about you: I talk so much mad shit about myself, but in reality I'm really happy about me as a person and those are just jokes. 9. Would you take care of me when I'm sick? Sometimes, usually I just ignore it. 10. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before? Yes. I love you, I desperately love you. I would marry you if I could Corwin, I really would. And... it's really odd talking about myself this way. 11. If you heard a rumor about me, would you defend me? Sometimes, if the mood suits me (which it usually does) and if the person's worth arguing with (which it usually isn't). 12. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me? Yes, all the time. And I don't apologise. So there. =^..^= Nyao! 13. Do you think I'm a good person? That's a rough one. I know you try to be but there is only a fluid definition of good in mine, err... yours, umm... our opinion, so since you tend to flow with that river it's a possibility that you are and it's also a possibility that since it is only a proverbial river that you as an individual actually flow against it and are the incarnation of the most selfish evil to wander the planet... Imp boy. So there you go. 14. Would you let me sleep with you (in the same bed)? I do every night, though sometimes I'd like to not have to. (Wheeee out of body experience!) 15. Do you think I'm Hot? You can be, but it's really your Charisma that counts. I guess you could say you actually have a winning personality. 16. Would you call me just because? I don't make it a habit of calling myself... Talking to myself yes, but I don't need to waste the minutes. 17. Would you ever listen to my problems even if they dont involve you? Umm... they kind-of always do. 18. If you could change anything about me, would you? A few things here and there. Weight and amount of toned muscle (please god not too toned. I'll stay larger but I don't want the weight-lifter look. Bleh!), mental agility in situations, speed of thinking on the right and wrong matrix in your head, and of course, the speed with which you swing and draw that sword. 19. Would you have sex with me? If I could then I'd never leave home....... so yeah. ^.^ 20. Would you have a BDSM scene with me? Beating yourself can't count as sadistic, you're only inflicting pain on yourself. 21. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out? Sure, let's have a little tea party with the rest of the mad hatter crew. LOL! @.# 22. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you? Umm... if that's not redundant I don't know what is. Yes... I decided to fill it out on myself. Har har... ^.^ Current Mood: good | | 3:09 pm |
Thank you.
Here I stand, on my own again. No one here, just blood and bone again. But there are so many still around me, so many hearts that confound me, so much love that it drowns me, and I am comforted then. I see the cruelties of heartless men. I watch them smile and call me friend. But the warmth of true friendship surrounds me, the hearts of my knights seek to assure me, that this world that I'm in won't go blurry, and that cruelties I won't let me rend. I could be surrounded on all sides. with my friends all strung out like raw hides. But their love will be within me, from here to the center to the sea, Cali, OK, or michigan they be, and they tell me that I will not bend. So I won't and I'll stay strong 'til the end. I will be the most damnable friend. For they'll be beside me, rushing sand or splashing sea, and damnit we'll all be free, then we'll start it all over again. Dedicated to all of my friends that have been there for me throughout my rough times. Everyone in Oklahoma, California, Michigan, and other far off states. Thank you all. And remember. When all is said and done, there's only one thing to do. Defeated or victorious. Stand. | | Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006 | | 8:44 pm |
| | Monday, January 2nd, 2006 | | 4:07 am |
RIP... my soul.
And, of course, just like that she leaves me on New Year's Night over the phone while I am at work. She says she's leaving our place but not trying to leave our relationship. I don't believe that very much. She says that we just need to try and fix things. I've been trying for four months, which I hear is exactly the amount of time that she has been talking to a 'mystery friend' who she never mentioned to me. She says she loves every part of me. But she asked me to leave my friends and go with her, and then if not that asked me to kick them all out and stay here with just her. I have known most of these people for a long time, the shortest one four years the longest nearly eleven. She has known me for one and asked me to throw them all out on their respective ears. Those are not the words of one who deep down loves you. I tried so hard, I fought so long, and in the end she leaves me in a moment. I feel so betrayed. I want to cry. Why can't I please have tears? Please goddess let me have tears. RIP: Relationship of Corwin Parker & Deborah Butler. 2005-2006 Current Mood: Destroyed... again. | | Thursday, December 29th, 2005 | | 3:19 am |
My December...
It seems like December has come and stayed so much longer than the rest of the year. For most people it comes and goes like the wind. A series of parties, parting gifts, family outings, and pleasant times. There are variations of course, but for the most part at least one of these things, often more, exist. For me it hasn't really been any different. Though I've missed the parties, lost the chance to go on the family outings, and recieved few gifts, I don't really mind. December for me has been a time to be mostly alone... and I guess I'm getting to like it... in my own odd way. I made an impromptu confession to the woman who spends my life with me about a week ago, not really knowing how deep the feelings inside of me relating to what I spoke of trailed until I told of them. I am sorrow. The part of people that sits alone and reminisces not on the finer moments, but on those bittersweet times that surround us all. I take comfort in them perhaps more than I should... but it is who I am and I don't see anything wrong with it. I told her of how I thought, why I act the way I act, why sometimes she sees me consume myself in something that pains me. Why I smile when I think of something that wounded me, some moment that left a deep scar on my soul. Why I laugh when I stand in a place where someone left me, why I can stand in a place where I watched a friend walk out of my life and instead of crying, light up a smirk, why when someone close to me passes away I smile at their wake, reach up to touch their cheek, and sit quietly without a tear to stain or mark the moment. I am the moment that you don't really talk about. The part of you that smiles while everyone is having fun, the piece of the party that never seems to die down, but if you saw me when I stood outside, if you could see through me when I exhale that smoky breath, you would see the tears rushing down the inside of my heart. I guess that I didn't really know what kind of person I was until I spoke my soul in explanation, and I want to thank you for that Deborah. You have helped me greatly. People love me the most because I always have a joke ready. They love me because of my smile and they love me because that quick wit can always catch even the fastest off guard occasionally. But in all reality, I think they love me the most because I smile when things go wrong. Because unlike so many people I can't have a phobia, I can barely have a fear. People have watched me step in front of them and stare down a gun barrel with nothing but my stereotypical smirk and a tilt of my head, people have seen me talk down someone red in the face with anger to the point where they begin to cry, and they've also seen me kneel before someone in hopeless despair and with words that couldn't possibly heal help someone in the most dire straits reach up to grasp just one last thread of sanity. I have sat beside the most masculine person I've ever had the pleasure to meet and comforted him as he cried for his lost love, and I have reached out to the most depressed and shown them one beam of light that reached even where they lay broken and defeated. Yet... one thing that I can't seem to understand. Why is it that their sorrow and the defeating of it comforts me so? Why am I drawn to those who are in some way 'hurt' or 'broken' in the deepest manner possible? I don't seek to fix people, I don't try to change their lives, I don't try to force them to 'live correctly' whatever that way may be. But there I am, standing at their side when everything breaks down to catch them as they fall back and push them back up. And through all of this, all of the situations I help and all of the people that have at some time relied solely on me, I find myself still devout in my following of the way of sorrow. When I'm alone... Sitting here by myself... I feel like I should be... Crying. Was I born with something broken inside my head? I wasn't beaten or abused when I grew up, my father and my step-mother (known as mom) tried their hardest to give me a loving, caring life. Was I broken by my first love when she left me without a breath? I don't think so, I bear no ill will nor blame myself. I realize that it was going to happen by the train of events and I've moved past it. Was I hurt by the fact that my blood mother wanted nothing to do with me until my dad remarried? No, at least I doubt it. I have always loved my mother and there's no hatred or upset there. She just couldn't be there before and she is trying her hardest now. I honestly don't know what it is... Sure, I could be evaluated by a psychiatrist, given a whole bunch of drugs, and live perfectly for the rest of my life as long as I stuck to my dosage, but that's not for me. If I am ever to be in control of myself, it will be by my own self. Not by drugs, not by manipulation, by understanding. And in that understanding, I think I've come to a revelation... As much better as I could be doing in my financial hole, as much more solid as my relationship could be, as much as I want more love to be shown to me by my friends... I am happy. I look outside and I see one string of lights that is burnt out. One string among a hundred that is broken and I think. "That's me." "That's me right there." and thinking about it I say. "And I'm happy that way." This is my December. This is my time of the year. This is my December. This is all so clear. This is my December. This is my snow covered home. This is my December. This is me alone. And out of all of that, all of this philosophy and all of the times that I look inside myself, everything I see reflected to the outside and everything kept inside of my little shell so that few see. I just... I just wish that I didn't feel like there was something I missed. Some part of me is missing inside... I don't know what it is... I won't ever know... I'm pretty sure... Dead sure... Yeah... ... . So there you go. A distinctly different look inside of me. I'd take a good look. A good long look. You might not ever see this again. Save it in a text document, put it as a memory in LiveJournal, do whatever you have to do. Just remember. The next time you see me smiling on the inside, the next time you see that quirky grin or that signature smirk... There are tears inside even as I smile. I remember now that I never had a chance to tell anyone the one thing that I really want for christmas. I want my friends that I live with and those close enough to me to all get together with me and drive to somewhere where it's snowing. Then I want them all to let me walk off to where they can barely see me, and let me sit underneath a tree. Deborah, Riff, David, Rob, Carl, Julia, Robin... And all I want is for them to wait until I walk back. ...please let them wait until I walk back. That, more than anything, would make me happy this year. That would show me how much they really care. It's a thing I'd love to do, it's a place I'd love to see. No where particular but under a tree, in the snow, with my friends waiting for me to come back. I'd love to see that. ... I'd die to see that. And if I did, I'd die happy. Current Mood: RealisticCurrent Music: My December - Linkin Park (On Repeat) | | Wednesday, December 21st, 2005 | | 5:00 pm |
Happy Yule?
A happy Yule? A merry Solstice? Could these things be possible even in lieu of all of the shite that I have gone through in the past few months? Yes, they very well can. I went to the doctor's office today and it was a very good experience. At first I was leery about going, it being the first time that I've gone to a doctor's office in over seven years, trusting quite well in my own body and my toughness to fight off any illness. Apparently that trust was not ill placed. The popping bones and shifting joints are normal, though I am overweight after looking at my statistics and asking a about my general health he advised me that I have reached a weight equilibrium where my intake and outflow of energy and energy producing foods are perfect for my current state of activity and should my activity increase that weight will steadily decrease until such an equilibrium is reached again. In other words he told me, I'm at a perfect weight for now and the only reason I should work to change it is if I want to for personal reasons. I spoke with him about degenerative spinal disc disorder and he told me that nothing has linked it to being hereditary and any individual when they get older can get it. I hope I don't have it, but I'm still not convinced. At some point I'll have to go to a chiropractor. Then came the moment that made me one of the happiest individuals in existence. I asked him about how I could get approved for a vasectomy and what it would take for me to gain his recommendation. He spoke with me for a few moments about my desire for children and my knowledge that it was a near irrevocable decision. I told him about my three attempts at the ages of 18, 19, and then at 20 years old to get approved for the procedure and being denied because of my youth. Apparently he could see in my eyes the truth of me knowing ever since I knew that I could have children that I did not want any. I have been fully approved and recommended for a vasectomy, my paperwork has been forwarded on, and I should be contacted by the specialist's office within a few days. I am so happy today. No more scares, no more wonder, no more fear, no more hesitation. Nothing is 100% but this is so close that with my probability beliefs it can be. Nothing can break this smile in this moment. I, of course, immediately chose him as my personal doctor. Oh yeah... and he fondled my balls. v.v;; Confounded turn and cough... Current Mood: happy | | 4:57 pm |
| | Sunday, December 18th, 2005 | | 12:51 am |
My car is broken into by smashing the rear window with a rock. My near new Xbox and three games are taken from it. I am given this. "Your online report has been approved and the permanent case number is _________. Please note in the attached report sensitive information has been replaced with *** in order to maintain privacy in emails. Thank you for using our online reporting system and please e-mail us with any suggestions you have for improving our system. Online Officer Fremont Police Department" Here's a suggestion straight from the heart. Start trying to act interested and concerned before people realize that they are the only thing actually protecting them. I can deal with losing property, I can deal with losing other people's property, what I can't seem to understand is time. This individual took time from me. He took my time that I worked to afford it, he took the time that I used it, and he took all of the time that it will take fr me to do anything about it. Steal from me my things, take from me my thoughts, rip from me my heart, but don't take my time. Time is something I only have so much of... P.S. Please don't comment about that being the way things are. I WILL kill you. P.P.S. No, I won't. Current Mood:  discontent | | Wednesday, December 14th, 2005 | | 2:16 pm |
Every once in a while someone does soomething so stupid, so callous, so cold, that I can't help but want to throw the nearest sharp object at their skull in an attempt to put them out of my misery. In other words, the world is lucky that I am kind. I am sick. Very sick. Sick to the point where sometimes I don't have enough energy to even play video games. Sick to the point of constant and consistent pain. Sick to the point of looking ugly. Sick to the point of not wanting to look in the mirror. I'm sick. So this morning a lovely, caring friend of mine decides that he wants a ride to work. He asks if I want to take him, I reply with the fact that I have not left the house for four days because I am sick and I do not want to leave the house until I am better, to which he says this. "Lazy." I think he thought I was joking when I told him to get the fuck out the door. I was really, honestly hurt by that. Here I am, sick to a point that I haven't been to in a very long time, and he calls me lazy for not wanting to go out into the cold and take his happy ass to work when he said not a day ago that he was more than happy to walk. Fuck. That. Noise. On a lighter note however, I was very kind and profound this morning to my ex's boyfriend. Her BF (12/14/2005 11:56:39 AM): Well, the two of them are going to fall flat on their face sooner or later... Im more or less waiting on that time so I can point and laugh.. from about 2 inches away. I (12/14/2005 11:57:22 AM): You must not be hateful like that however. To wait for someone to be hurt in order to gain joy from their suffering is not a light road to travel. I (12/14/2005 11:57:31 AM): No matter how tempting it may seem. Her BF (12/14/2005 11:59:53 AM): I wouldnt say that it would be joy that I would gain. But perhaps some form of justice. It seems like (Insert Ex's Name Here) and I have been struggling forever since i have been here on account of them.. and everytime we end up in a rut because of it, we have to dig ourselves out.. they, however, have thier parents to offer a parachute every time they fall. I dont honestly wish ant ill will to anyone... but ti doesnt mean I cant think about it. I (12/14/2005 12:00:52 PM): True, but do not fall to it. Remember that when they have successes it will be empty and hollow because they were given everything they have, but when you succeed it will be both sweet and kind. Her BF (12/14/2005 12:01:37 PM): Mmhm. The same thing I have told (Insert Ex's Name Here). They are not winning, we are. We can see where they are blind. I (12/14/2005 12:02:46 PM): Just remember the old adage. "Those who walk will be strengthened by the journey in soul and body while those who ride on the backs of others will weaken and crumple before the challenges before them." Such a nice guy aren't I? I roxor, you know it, just give it up. Throw your money, your loyalty, and your unwed daughter's before me. You know you love me. Deify me as I deserve, fall before me and worship where I have stood, erect mountainous statues of me that will rival that which you erect for your gods! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! *laughs and then coughs* Right. Anyhow, I'm done for now. I feel a little better, if only mentally, but it's better nonetheless. }:-P> *bows* and to all a good..... *falls face first on the desk and passes out* -acKNowlIdge riGHT Current Mood: sickCurrent Music: Evanescence - Understanding | | Sunday, December 11th, 2005 | | 9:09 pm |
So... I'm sick.
You know, I always forget what it was like to be sick when I'm not. It's a whole new realization every time. Scratchy throat. "Ahh... I'll be better soon." Stuffy nose. "Umm... huh?" Sneezing fits. "Ahh crap..." Headaches and muscle cramps. "This sucks..." And it only gets better from here... v.v And, of course, being in pain constantly upsets all around me as, I'm a dick when I'm sick. -Corwin Current Mood: sick | | 9:07 pm |
I'm a retarded slut who will ROCK YOUR WORLD!~ W007!
Find the second letter in your first name...... A-Beautiful B-Ugly C-Pretty D-Jewish E-Gorgeous F-Hot G-Boyish H-Preppy I-Girly J-Gothic K-Punky L-Popular M-Slutty N-Nerdy O-Retarded P-Gay Q-Lesbian R-Sexy S-Lesbian T-Emo U-Christian V-Wonderful W-Geeky X-Bitchy Y-Under-appreciated Z-Over-appreciated Now the second letter in your last name...... A-Slut B-Boy C-Bitch D-Obsesser E-Sex machine F-Retard G-Girl H-Jew I-Motherfucker J-Goth K-Nerd L-Geek M-Whore N-Crackwhore O-Beauty Queen P-Punk Q-Queen R-Alcoholic S-Princess T-Fucker U-Asshole V-Jackass W-Babe X-Scaredy-cat Y-Coward Z-Chocoholic Now...What's Your Fav. Color...... Red- Who Likes It In The Butt Blue- Who Looks At Porn 24/7 Orange- Whos Good With My Hands Yellow- Who Will Do Anything For Crack Green- Who Masterbates At Work Pink- Who Wants To Have Sex With You Purple- Who Will Rock Your World Black- Who Likes Bondage White- Who Will Do Anything for Sex Grey- Who Will Rock Your World NOW REPOST THIS WITH THE NAME & STATEMENT YOU GOT BEGINNING WITH "I'm A..." Current Mood: A little better though sick. | | Thursday, December 8th, 2005 | | 6:26 pm |
Wheee! My Prezzies!
What Will modernknight Get ?
| Xmas pressie predictor | | Big wooly jumper knitted by | calm_in_chaos | | Pair of Socks from | johno | | Bottle of Whiskey from | spudboy6303 | | Cd from | brunnhilde | | Something Cuddly from | sheevapanther | | Something Intoxicating from | panthorblack | | Something Silly from | pntheramnementh | | Something Funny from | _dormouse_ | | Lump of coal from | 777vmm | | Something Pretty from | alarra | | Something Shiny from | draconisblack | | Something Naughty from | kitabare | | Something Smelly from | sailorv61 | | Something Breakable from | feline_reveries | | Something Useful from | sammiwolf | | Something not useful from | mroblivious | | The Black and Decker Tool Kit from | gwyneffar | | Livejournal account from | cassul | | The Make-up Bag from | figgit | | Stack of DVDs from | gesellschaftoi | | Something Geeky from | aliceinwonder |
| | Saturday, December 3rd, 2005 | | 9:09 pm |
Everyone's Evil.
I am so buttfucking tired of being everyone's evil. I can't even get my upset out in poetry anymore, so much is balled up inside of me. The only words I ever hear from others is how cruel or unjust I am, stupid imbeciles who only pay attention to a simplistic upset before reinforcing those negative feelings with more negative feedback. And no matter what I do, no matter the kindness I show or the effort I put forth, the only thing that the woman I love ever has to say to anyone is how much of a fuck up I am. Yes, I am uptight. I am scared at the prospect of trying to dedicate my life to another person and have my heart obliterated by either their infidelity or our lack of fitting. It is a thing to fear giving one's life away in completion to someone who may abuse it. Yes, I confessed in a drunken stupor my desire for us to last into the ages. Woop-dee-fucking-doo. You should have already known that by other things that I have said. You know, things like "I love you." and "I don't want to lose you." and "I hope we stay together forever.". But it is so much easier to point out those bad things isn't it? The arguments, the upsets, the bad times. After all, they are so much more in your mind than the good times aren't they? You smile to me, tell me you love me, and then go hop on the computer at work and talk trash about how horrible I am before you go out to lunch with a guy you say you'd like me to be more like. All those horrible things I do, all those mistakes I've made, all the crap I've put you through. No one stops for a second to consider what I've gone through. You had a breakup with an abusive boyfriend, I had to divorce someone because it wasn't right and rip their life apart. You've had to realize how to survive outside your home, I've had to flail and catch myself after leaping out of mine. You've had a friend betray you and want money back they said you could have, I've had two friends betray me and take almost everything I owned. I'm not belittling your experiences, they are still the worst you've gone through and must seem pretty bad, but I've been through the ringer more times than you've been to the doctor, I've been betrayed more times than you've gotten a pap smear, and I've been in the gutter more times than you've been in debt. So yeah, I'm a little wary, a little guarded, and a little afraid. I have fought to the end to defend you when people tell me you're 'loud' or 'upsetting' or even worse 'annoying'. I have told people that advised me to leave you that they can deal with the fact that you're in my life and love both of us, or do without me alltogether because I won't sit there while someone badmouths you. You're just the opposite. Someone says something bad about me, you tack up and tally what mistakes I've made. You start bad feelings and trash talk about me when I have NEVER done that to you. You continually disrespect my feelings, my emotions, and my personality in ways I cannot begin to describe and yet I stand by you firm and strong. Why? Because of the good times. Because we fit together in so many ways. Because I love you. Because you are one of the best things that have happened to me in my life. Because when I smile and look into your eyes your mouth and your eyes smile back. Because we could really make it together. You tell me that I have to try. Shit, I am our most vehement defender. People comment to you about leaving me and you take it in stride, or even worse, talk with them about it. People comment to me about leaving you and they are met with a steel wall, and if steel isn't strong enough, I find something stronger. My love for you. I am done with flowery words. I was done with them a while ago. I am done trying to make something what it's not. Here's the reality of it, the dark of it as they say. I love you. That's all I know. I feel very strongly for you, strongly enough that I have come back from a depression that nearly encompassed me fully just from your presence. That is the only thing I actually know for sure. Things that I believe I know however, are many. I believe that I am not enough for you. I lack something that you want. You beg of me to post something in my LJ that says "I love you" but all you do in there is shit me down. I believe that you have become disillusioned about us. Whether by fault of your own or by other people's convincing you have managed to decide that I am going to actively find someone and leave you at my earliest convenience and nothing that I say or do can help this at all or convince you that I won't. I believe that unless you put forth some serious effort and do some serious repairs on the damage that you have done, that we aren't going to last four months. You are so worried about me leaving you, but you are the only one that's threatened to leave. And I think that unless we get something done about this mistrust and sheer hatred that you have for me when I'm not around, that you're going to pack up and walk away from me. So please, I beg of you, stop hurting me. I'm not going to fight back, I'm not going to play little Modesto games and do battle with you through our friends, I am not going to manipulate you into liking me every moment. I just want a regular life, a regular love, with you. And if you can't give me that, if you can't recieve that, if we can't have that together, then just walk away from me. I'll live. And you'll be better off. Without me. I love you. Current Mood: depressed |
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